follow I'm assuming you asked him what difference age makes, though perhaps a more neutral question is how age differences affect relationships - what did he say? Hopefully his response was thoughtful? And, depending on where you guys live, and your cultural backgrounds, dating someone Black and 13 years older could bring up a bunch of shitty reactions on the part of his friends and family. Not necessarily, but it could. That's not a reason not to do it - it's just something to be aware of and prepared for it it happens, because you're both going to need to handle that as a team. Before you start worrying about your 50s and 60s, I would think about a little nearer in the future.
One of my good friends in his mid-thirties dated a year old for quite some time. I would say that one thing to consider is that there is what is between the two of you, and there is how the two of you as a couple face the world together - that includes your hopes and dreams, but it also is how you navigate day to day amongst your social circle and how much satisfaction or frustration that brings you.
Between the two of them, they were pretty compatible and had a great time one-on-one If they wanted to go out together and spend time with friends, it was always one side's friends or another. They found it difficult to organically bring all their friends together in any way that would meaningfully stick. Either he spent his weekends hanging with all her early 20s friends, listening to their early 20s conversations about grad school hopes and roommate drama and wanting to teach abroad, or she came along to all of our more relatively sedate mid 30s dinner parties and listened to us drone on about wanting to refinish our floors and the challenges of having newly real pressures at work and how we felt about how politics had changed since we first started voting a decade and a half ago.
It wasn't just a disparity in type of activity - it was the pace of it, the cost of it, the tone of it. Neither felt fully comfortable in the other's world. Not that this sort of constant switching of hats as a couple was inherently a bad thing, but it became a very split existence for them as a couple, and increasingly lonely for each of them to be the lone fish out of water while the other was "at home" amongst their generation.
It made them each feel, over time, that their relationship existed in some strange vacuum that took an exhausting force of will to sustain. You hope that as a couple, you build not only the foundation for your relationship but a foundation for a circle of loved ones you both feel at home in. I think that can be much more of a challenge when there's a significant age difference. The two of you may be able to get along cross-generationally, but I wouldn't underestimate how lonely it can get when you feel like you two AS A UNIT don't really feel like you have a place in the larger fabric of your lives.
You don't sound like a very old soul. You sound like you are in a tearing hurry - and you don't need to be. The person is much more important than arbitrary factors like age. You could spend ten years waiting to meet the right person who is the "right" age. You could meet him and he could be hit by a bus three months later - or you could.
So just date him. There aren't any rules. An old soul knows how seldom we form those real connections, and wouldn't think of losing one over an something so irrelevant. Anitanita - thank you, I think you really understood my question. In regards to "what does a 35 year old want with a 22 year old" - he didn't go and seek me out for being younger. We met salsa dancing - the salsa community is small enough that 19 year olds are mixed in with 60 year olds, and people go primarily to dance, rather than find people to go home with them like at a bar. So we just started talking, and he was new to the area, so I agree to go hang out with him.
And then there was a connection, so we saw each other again.
It was only the last 2 dates that age came up - he thought I would have been older. I didn't ask what difference age makes - he asked me. I told him my concerns You are putting the cart so far in front of the horse that the horse can't even see the cart. He had already had a career as a dancer in vaudeville, a stint in Germany during WWII, a failed marriage, and an affair with a German chorus girl resulting in the birth of his first son.
She had worked behind the bar at her parents' tavern and, I believe, had never been out of the state where she was born. Sixty years later, they're still together -- she's 81 and he's going on And yes, she does a ton of caregiving because: But they have had an absolutely devoted marriage, during which they ran a business together and raised a terrific, happy family. So can it work out? Do I think you need to worry about it right now? All you have to do right now is enjoy getting to know each other.
Take care of the present and the future will take of itself. In the near future, I think your biggest problem might be that he doesn't want to settle down. If he's 35 and not married, not in a long-term relationship, hasn't bought a house, doesn't have kids, doesn't even have a long-term career, then those things are probably not very high priorities for him. They aren't high priorities for many people.
But it sounds like they might be for you. And that could cause conflict. My husband is 10 years older than me. We met when I was At the time, we were both students: I was an undergrad, and he was just finishing up a PhD. So in some ways our lives were similar, and we had a lot in common. One issue was that he was just leaving that social context, though, and I was just beginning in it.
I had another 10 years of university including grad school ahead of me, and he soon signed on to work as an investment banker in London. That was tricky to navigate. We had less in common the next few years. Fortunately for me, he hated banking and went back into academia, and our goals and values and everyday life overlapped a bit more again. The only other issue we have had, if I can even call it that, is that our relationship initially worked because he was kind of an immature 28, and I was a fairly mature The thing is, though, a mature year-old either stays the same, or gets more mature over the next 10 years.
That is not always the case for an immature 28 year old. Fortunately the stint of investment banking in a foreign country kicked his ass into doing a hell of a lot of growing up. He would admit to this too, btw: I'm not just saying it. Without that, I think we would have become incompatible over the next decade. I can speak a bit about this issue because my brother is twenty years old than his wife. My brother started dating young women naturally when he was 20 but as he got older, his new girlfriends remained more or less the same age.
This may seem relatively unimportant but it does have some importance as the relationship develops. When I make certain cultural references to my partner who is more or less my age she gets them straight away. I can remember my brother having issues with one of his previous girlfriends when she did not. The second issue is friends. His friends are his age, her friends are her age, so they have far less in common when they get together. His current and longest-lasting relationship is with his current wife.
But he was around 50 when the first was born. He had no experience of or interest in children.
He had been a lousy uncle to mine. He has turned out to be a poor father YMMV. Two of his certainly are Asperger's. Finally, at his age, he will be 80 when the youngest finishes college. Health issues are already very much there in his case and will only get worse. None of this should put you off. YMMV and, anyway, the most important thing is if you love and care for one another. But they are issues you be thinking of.
It's not so much that after 4 dates I think we'll for sure end up together, but my purpose in dating is figuring out who I'm going to marry, so I want to figure this out ASAP You are twenty-two years old, woman. If you go into any potential liason with the same attitude that you would have if you were renting a car to decide whether to buy it, your dating life is going to seem more serious and more fraught than it ever needs to be.
You're writing about this guy in a way that suggests you're working out how much the maintenance is going to cost you down the road. Take a deep breath and choose your partners based on how they make you feel and how they treat you more than a tick-list of Potential Husband Material criteria. I'm not wishing to sound patronising, but people change a lot during their twenties, and the person who seems right for you at 22 might not by My sister started dating her husband at Was married at He turned 40 last year.
They are so incredibly happy. Good relationships can be hard to come by. Just my two cents. My family really liked him, once they met him. Maybe it was a little odd, not sure. It wasn't for me. Some of his family thought maybe I could be some sort of gold-digger We met at work, so, it wasn't a weird bar pickup thing there, either. We knew we were similar in a lot of social views, and had fun together, and went from there. We've been together 15 years, married for eight. I've been with my partner for 8 years, and there's a 17 year age difference.
I'll agree with the other posters who caution that at 22 you may be getting ahead of yourself in seeing this as a potential marriage relationship, and for the record, I was 31 when I met my partner.
But I'll answer your primary question. There are some long term issues with an age difference. You may find yourself dealing with elder care issues much sooner that your peers. My partner's parents were quite elderly when we met, and they both passed away in the last five years. At one point my partner moved in with his dad to take care of him I still had my own apartment then. Lots of time was spent in hospitals and nursing homes, dealing with doctors, then eventually planning funerals and settling estates.
I can only imagine how much more difficult it would have been if we had been married with kids at the time. There is such a thing as a mid-life crisis. The fact that you will be at very different life and professional stages when it happens for both you and him can make them tricky to navigate. I haven't dealt with too much in the way of family negative reactions, but there was some initial weirdness meeting his friends.
I don't think they knew what to make of me. It was less of an issue with my friends, because my circle spans a wider age range anyway. I think a lack of common points of cultural reference might be an issue for some couples. It hasn't been a big issue in my relationship, but that's primarily due to luck and temperament. There are huge swaths of cultural touch points that we don't share. All that said, I'm in a pretty wonderful relationship that I wouldn't trade for the world. This 43 year old will tell you that 35 is practically dead.
Put another way, it depends. I'm 43 going on It depends on the guy and a lot of other factors. Date for a while. Don't worry about the future yet. When I was 23, I met the man who would be my husband. We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. Ipsum did quite a bit of partying in his 20s, and by the time he reached his 30s, he was done with staying out late.
If I were a partier in my 20s, I might have felt like I was missing out by being with him, but I was always more of a "homebody" so we both enjoyed the same simple dates: My husband had never dated a younger woman prior to me - his previous girlfriends had been older than him. And at first he was hesitant about asking me out, but he felt that I was pretty mature for my age, and once he even referred to me as "23 going on He was working in his chosen career, and I was just starting graduate school while working at a job I didn't like in order to pay tuition.
But I don't think it negatively affected the relationship at all. And I think the age difference matters less as you get older. The difference between 22 and 35 might seem like a lot. But between 40 and 53, it's not that much. I married someone with about that much age difference. This is not really a thing I think about or care about. But then I'm much older than you, and I've dated several thousand people, and had a number of serious relationships, and I know what I like and who I'd want to marry.
But then, another data point, so did a family member of the previous generation, and I just went to her spouse's funeral. That being said, we're all gonna bite it some time, and I figure I've got nearly as good a chance as dying before my spouse, despite my age advantage. This is stuff you simply can not game out: Have a good time and, you know, see how the dating goes? I'm 31, DH is We've been together since I was Because he looks young, we haven't had a ton of issues, but I do get called his daughter from time to time. He is in excellent shape. I know that someday that will change.
My in laws both passed away a few years ago, but I was lucky to have a good relationship with them.
Get to know a girl better You are sure that you want to date her, but first, you need to find out the basic facts from her life for example, date of birth, favorite color, television show, music, etc. Neither of these relationships worked out. The doctoral student charm wears a little thin when she's doing all of the money-making and most of the care-taking and is still expected to support his ego and, sometimes, worry about a ton of unpaid student loan debt. And often the choice of a young girl as a partner is determined by the desire to drown out this fear. There aren't any rules. I'm 43 going on
Our lifestyle and goals were very similar to begin with. Our vastly different life experiences has been awesome for our relationship. He made me believe in true love. A 22 year old woman is at the best age to have the healthiest children. If he is looking for a young wife to have healthy children with, that makes him smart. It only makes him a creep if he starts up with a woman in her 30s and then dumps her because her eggs are old. I don't think you can fault a man who wants to give his children the best start in the world. As far as age gap, IMO, age gap only makes a difference if a man used that gap to "audition" women and then dump them on some kind of whim.
Or if he spent that time having children without marriage or commitment. If he has been spending that gap getting educated or building resources in order to start a family - then he is a keeper. This actually sounds like a really good match to me from what you have written. If he is smart enough to plan his life, like I think he has, then he is also smart enough to take care of his health. So it is not likely he will die young.
Since he is thirty-five, he has sort of proven himself health wise - you know he didn't have early onset schizophrenia or Leukemia which show up before 30 so the odds for getting a disease like that are lessened for him. That's just an example of things you know he will not get "young". He doesn't have diabetes now so if he watches his health he probably won't get it. He should have children soon though. Because there is evidence older men have more problems with their offspring just like older women. I am now with a partner 12 years older than I am and we are doing just fine. Not married but I've been in relationships and know lots of married people.
Cultural and generational touchpoints - YMMV. There isn't nearly as stark a difference between generations these days as there once was, IME. Kids and grandparents alike listen to the Beatles and are Star Wars fans. A good friend and her years-older husband have no problems finding things in common to bond over; they are both smart, well-read, intellectually-curious people so that helps a lot.
So it helps a lot if both of you have a wide range of interests actually, that is a huge plus in any relationship whatever the relative ages. Two major stumbling blocks I've seen: A year gap isn't a big deal when you're 40 and he's But when you're 60 and he's 80 you might find yourself full of energy, still wanting to work and do things, and he's growing frail and in need of care and not able to enjoy doing the same things you do.
I've seen women around that age give up everything in their lives to care for their spouses and that's no fun, no matter how happy the marriage. You're 45, at the peak of your career. He's 65 and wants to retire now. Soon he's pushing you to take early retirement. Do you take the hit to your career and your Social Security payouts? Women live longer than men so they need more income in retirement. Does he have enough stashed away to cover the shortfall? These aren't necessarily deal-breakers; they can be worked out or around. But they're things to think about in age-gap relationships and they'd be the same if it was the woman who was older!
Reading these answers you'd think that year-olds were still in braces and training bras. I really don't see the point in purposefully ignoring someone's marriageability just because you're young. In fact, I think "don't worry" is a stupid attitude. Not everyone wants to have lots of pointless relationships with incompatible people before they're allowed to give a shit about things like long-term compatibility.
Everything about this dude screams either "will never get a job" or maybe "SAH dad". Is that okay with you? I'm in my late 30's and my father is in his early 80's and suffers a lot of health problems. He is more of a grandparent to me and although he was OK during my childhood and early teens, he wasn't the father he could have been had he been years younger. I never knew my grandfather and now my kids will likely grow up without many memories of their grandfather either. I really cherish the time we have together, but I have to deal with the reality that I will spend the second half of my life without my dad and that sucks.
Just something to think about My husband is 13 years older than me. When we met, I was 24 and he was Now we're all looking back on 37 and wishing we were that young again. Of course there are all sorts of other details that were more important than our ages. He was just getting to the point in his life where he was ready to settle down no previous marriages or children. I was very mature for my age - yep, frequently called "an old soul" by my pals. I really think that we were meeting somewhere in the middle as far as our mental ages go. Now we've been married for 18 years and it's a good marriage and we have a child, blah blah blah.
My husband is getting older, that's true. Sadly, so am I. So my only advice to you is that if it's the right person, it's the right person. If it's not, it's not. Much too early to be thinking of this. This is bad advice and not true. By the fourth date, one should be considering the long term potential of a relationship. If the person is worth it then they're worth it. I'd be more worried about his apparent lack of pragmatism about the future. You may well have to be the primary earner in this relationship.
If you're lucky, he may be the primary parent, but I wouldn't count on that either.
Women his own age probably realize this and realize that if they are not in a place independently to start a family, they won't be there with him either. This isn't as pressing for you because you're young, so maybe you're happy to spend the next couple of years really focusing on your career to the point that you could be the primary earner and accommodate pregnancy and maternity leave. The only way to find out whether he's worth it is to keep dating him with both your heart and your eyes open.
When I was 22 I dated a 34 year old for a year. Then when I was 23 I dated a different 35 year old for a year. Neither of these relationships worked out. I think sestaak really nailed the main age-related issue. It did affect the relationships, but it wasn't really the main dealbreaker -- other compatibility issues were.
More importantly, at the time those relationships seemed to me to have long-term potential because I was absolutely convinced I was ready and eager to settle down, get married, have babies, etc. That was only two years ago I'm 25 now and I'm already changing my mind. Since the end of my last supposedly-headed-for-stability relationship, I've been having so much fun that getting married and having children is starting to seem like a fantastic bore.
Still something I want in the long term, yes. But maybe in my thirties. I've had several relationships with biggish age differences years. Sometimes the man is older, sometimes I'm older. In general, older guys tended to treat me like a pet and wanted me to be malleable and sweet. Younger guys see me for the amazon that I actually am. So I'd just warn you to be on the lookout for any signs that he considers your youth to be part of your appeal, because youth won't last.
Has he had serious relationships in the past with women his age or older, or does he always prefer younger women? Does he seem truly impressed by your brain and career?
I'm going to suggest one other thing that raises a question. His goals for himself sound perfectly lovely and doubtless help make him an interesting person to date but one of them seems terribly unrealistic maybe the UN and the PhD is a long, depressing, stressful and sometimes heartbreakingly burdensome road to trod.
Does your salsa dancer have the fortitude or the finances for that? Not to mince words, be aware that a young woman who is just starting a marketing career can expect to be able to support her household and, in today's world, is increasingly called upon to do so. I know some women who are the sole breadwinners in their relationships with a long term students. The doctoral student charm wears a little thin when she's doing all of the money-making and most of the care-taking and is still expected to support his ego and, sometimes, worry about a ton of unpaid student loan debt.
Having kids and a happy family life seems unattainable when you're pouring everything into somebody else's dreams. Be sure when you pick a man, you're going to be living your life and not just playing a part in his. It's not so much that after 4 dates I think we'll for sure end up together, but my purpose in dating is figuring out who I'm going to marry, so I want to figure this out ASAP Others have already mentioned this, but I want to point you to this excellent and cautionary comment in another thread, and what it can be like for a man when the "Is He Husband Material" question is thrown into the relationship dynamic very early in the game.
Does he have any dreams of paying the bills? It's pretty obvious why he is not dating women in his peer group. I'll come at this from the other angle: I'm really glad I did.
That's why being knocked off my feet by someone 13 years my junior was the last thing I expected to happen! Here's why dating a younger guy is a great idea. I did not set out to date a younger man; I just fell madly in love with someone who is not my biological age. I am not a “cougar," the horrible label given to women who date younger men. When the roles are reversed and an older man dates a younger woman, the men are often.
First, the older men did not have their shit sorted out, and that was part of why they dated younger women. Relatedly, they were going through mid-life crises at a point where I was not capable of understanding or supporting them through it. When my husband started Thinking About His Life in the past year, we'd already been together for six years and the commitment saw us through it.
Second, you miss out on a lot of common cultural touchstones. I'm only two years older than your guy, and I have no freaking idea what 22 year olds are into nowadays, or what cartoons you watched as a kid, or what your favorite movie is likely to be. Third, aches and pains crop up suddenly and inexplicably in your late 30s and early 40s, although if he's active dancing this may impact him less. Still, he's unlikely to have as much energy as you do. Add the fact that younger guys have more stamina, and you just may have a match made in orgasm heaven.
But a younger guy likely is packing less. Less baggage can also mean a lack of relationship skills, such as communicating and resolving problems and conflicts, says Melanie Matcek, a matchmaker and relationship coach in San Antonio, TX. Although you may be ready to walk down the aisle, it can be hard to get a younger man to put a ring on it. So if you want kids, it could be several years until your youthful partner is ready to face the reality of raising one.
Even worse, women in this situation may end up being a sugar mamma rather than an equal partner. In some cases, the guy is just drawn to a woman who takes care of him, but beware that some men may be true gold diggers looking for a free ride or to be taken care of financially, she adds. Join Now Log In.